Friday, February 03, 2006

Fanfic: Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothies

We knew it was going to be hard on the relationship when she took the 3-month contract working for an engineering firm in Iraq rebuilding the shattered oil wells. I had supported her and agreed that I would stay home with the baby while she went overseas. Aside from the fact that taking the contract would help her climb the corporate ladder inside the engineering firm, the best reason was that her income from those three months would be enough to move us out of our drab inner city apartment and allow us to buy a home in the ‘burbs to raise our son.
But 6 weeks into the deal I was ready to give up, being a single father was hard enough, but I desperately missed my wife. It was at this point, the hardest part so far, that she surprised me with a trip home.
She had silently come into the apartment; slipping her clothes off as she approached the bed, making just enough noise to wake me up. As I opened my eyes I thought it was just a dream as the moonlight cascaded across her skin, as soft and pale as a Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie.

Author: Garrad (me)

But a Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie is not dyspeptic, and my wife, her gastrointestinal tract riddled by six weeks of nervous tension, a foreign diet, and an assemblage of microbes hitherto unknown to her pale Canadian sensibility, was. The dream rapidly devolved into a nightmare. A sticky brown triple-orifice-evacuating vomitorium of a nightmare.
"Can I help?" I asked.
"Something for your stomach?"
"Yes. I'd like a Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie. Pocket-sized."

Author: Alien13z

"Get real, babe," I replied. "You know I don't roll wit no pocket-sized smoothies. What I gots fo you is man-sized, just the firmness you like, and it ain't fo yo stomach."
A gentleman never kisses and tells (let alone makes yogurt jokes...), but I knew when the sun came up the next morning that I'd be set for the next 6 weeks.
After I saw her back to the airport, I sat the baby in his high chair and set about finding him breakfast. The only thing I could find in the decidedly anemic fridge was a Dannon Light'n Fit Smoothie.

Author: Chumpy McChumpy

She would later recount to me, via her long and tortured letters, just how she came upon Vance... Vance, the twisted whelp of a man, the miserable hobgoblin, the lying reprobate; Vance, the man who stole my wife away, and whose life I am destined to squeeze from his body with hands bathed in fresh-spilt blood.
Yes, apparently the two traitors became fast friends while awaiting their flight, owing to a glib discussion over that damned drinkable yogurt:
"They got this new yogurt now. It's just like regular yogurt, but you can drink it. It's a yogurt you can drink."
"Yeah. It tastes good. It's sweet, and you drink it."
"What's it taste like?"
"Mine tasted like cherries. It's good."
"I have to try some of that then."

Author: Lobo

The rising sun bathed the airport in creamy light as the conversation paused, the silence rich with unspoken possibilities.
She was the one to finally break the silence, ravenous for another taste of human contact.
"I wish I had a smoothie now. I didn't get to eat anything before heading out."
"You should go get some. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Miss..."
"I'm married."
His smile hardly broke, but she noticed. Their eyes met and in that instant, she knew- they both knew, that what they were craving was far more than a convenient yet nutritious meal to start the day. They were both hungry, but not for food. They were starving... for love.
"I always remember to eat, myself. I usually just grab something after I work out." He said without missing a step. "I like to keep myself Light n' Fit."
"Like a Dannon Smoothie." She said with a smile.
If only she had remembered Breakfast.

Author: Elhatcho

"You know..." He began. "They have a little airport shop over near gate G4. I got a Clif Bar from there just about half an hour ago, before they delayed my flight."
She licked her lips hungrily, gazing deep into his eyes. He felt a stirring in his soul, a desire to take her, to wrap his arms around her waist and walk her to the counter, to hear her say those words that would fire white flame in his very soul.
"Just one Light 'n Fit Smoothie." she would say.
He imagined her bringing it to her lips, tasting the first drips of Strawberry on her tongue. She would consume all of its daily value of Riboflavin, Vitamin C and Potassium, before finally finishing it off, tossing the empty, discarded bottle aside, dabbing a spot of smoothie from the side of her lips.
A man near them coughed, a dry, hacking noise. He looked like he'd been subsisting on Nestle Instant Breakfasts.
"Can... you take me there?" She asked, placing her hand on her hip. "Can you bring me to the smoothies?"
"I think I can remember. What flavor do you like?"
"Peach passion." She smiled, pushing a strand of golden brown hair from her face.

Author: Prederick

"Please do not leave bags unattended." Squawked the nasal, static-riddled voice over the loudspeaker. A voice at once female and sexless. Grating yet reassuring. Loud, yet barely intelligible.
As he took her hand, leading her towards the gleaming oasis of between-flight refreshments, she felt her stomach do a flip. She stopped, gasping. Suddenly unsure of her motives, her desires or her morality. What had she become? Just a few short hours ago she had been reveling in the embrace of her beloved spouse. Drinking in the smell, sight and touch of him like a Cherry Flavored Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie. Yet this man, with whom she was about to embark upon an all expenses paid, one-way trip to the land of illicit yogurt-fueled passion was not her husband. She barely even knew who he was.
He sensed her hesitation. Knew instinctively that her desire was slipping away. Fading, like the label on a package of Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie left too long in the sun. Not wanting to loose one bit of the succulent fruit hidden at the bottom of her desire, buried beneath layers of devotion and duty, he grabbed her by both arms, pushed himself into her and placed his mouth on her parting, whispering lips.
"Don't ..." she breathed before his questing tongue silenced her.
She sighed and melted into his embrace. The two became one. Like yogurt mixing with milk in a bottle of Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie.

Author: Fletcher

It was then that the zombies chose to attack.
Without warning the glorious crystal skylight came crashing down all around them, followed by the bloated corpses of the shambling dead. As their putrid bodies struck the hard tile floor, decayed bones could be heard to snap; but still the undead moved. The crowded terminal filled with screams and turmoil as the grim host set about their task of gnawing the quivering meat from the bodies of the living.
Vance urged her to run, but she was held rapt by the plight of a fat, middle-aged woman wearing a blue dress and pearl necklace, which earlier Vance had pointed out and, with that exotic curl of the lips, said, "Come with me, my love, and I shall shower you with a thousand such pearls!" The woman clutched to her enormous bosom a half-eaten container of Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie. A zombie had fixed its viselike hands about her arms, and her screams sounded above the uproar as the chattering teeth ruptured her belly. Amid a spray of blood could be seen thick, yellow sheets of fat, which slopped onto the floor like so many dead fish. The necklace broke, and dozens of of pearls rained down upon the bloodstained tiles. Then came the organs. The zombie decorated the terminal with the fat woman's insides, and her engorged stomach slid to a rest right near Vance's feet.
She looked down at the stomach. Its thick membrane had been punctured by gnashing teeth, allowing the contents to spill out. Oozing out of the bloody sack was a viscous, white sludge, and suspended in it were dainty pieces of delectable fruit; Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie, set loose from its digestive confines by the eager maw of a dead man.
She screamed. She ran. And Vance ran with her.

Author: Lobo
They ran past the endless row of ticket counters, each one disgorging a stinking, groaning horde of the undead from the luggage loading bays. All around them, other travelers ran screaming, discarding their carry-on bags and John Grisham novels in the attempt to faster flee the shambling apocalypse that followed.
"There!" Vince shouted, and elbowed his way through the panicking mass toward a door marked "Employees only."
"We can't!" she screamed. "We aren't airport personnel! Those facilities are intended to assist in the smooth functioning of the airport and providing an enjoyable travelling experience for all customers! It would be inappropriate to use them for our personal convenience!"
"Did your brains already get eaten, woman?!" Vince screamed, and kicked the door in. Beyond was darkness and the faintly threatening mechanical drone of luggage conveyors. He went in.
"Oh," she moaned as the gnashing zombie mob slowly closed in on her, "I sure could use the sweet burst of healthy energy that a Dannon Light 'n Fit Smoothie provides right about now."

Author: Brennil

The thread, and the story continues


At 8:04 AM, Blogger y-vonne said...

Sick, sick, sick. Leave it to this crowd to involve sex and zombies in an otherwise harmless yogourt drink. What would Danone say about this?

At 12:15 PM, Anonymous grandmaman. said...

Now I am getting concerned about your sanity...maybe 3 boys ARE too much.

At 10:09 AM, Anonymous cardeia said...

It starts with yogurt... before you know it you will be writing slash fic scenes between strawberries and bananas... the torrid love affair of a mango chutney and a hot dog...

Welcome to fanfic Garrad, just try not to make your smoothie sound like too much of a Mary Sue *wink*

In all seriousness, writing, no matter the forum, genre or subject matter, is good for you, IMHO. Create away!


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